Day... (Losing Count)

According to my Quit Counter, I'm already on my 27th day.

So much things have happened on those days I forgot to put into writing. Am I successful so far? Let me go through what have happened the previous days.

I have a confession to make. On the 15th day, I had a Management Meeting. I already knew we shall be touching on subjects that are very crucial and quite sensitive. Someone (and something) pushed my button during the meeting which made me walk out of the room. I was shaking so bad, saw a colleague, and asked for a stick of cigarette. Then I just knew, I puffed a smoke after fifteen days! For a time, I never cared about the world. I was so frustrated that I just had to rebel.

I was still shaking after finishing a stick, but I came back to the meeting room. I presented my part and finished it till the end, just like how professionals do it.

I talked it over to the boyfriend. I was so disappointed at myself for being so weak and uncontrollable. I knew that this shall happen one day over the course of this quitting journey. What's important is that I learned from it. That's what he said.

On the 18th day, there was an early birthday party for the boyfriend's brother. Of course, there was drinking session. Hard-drinking session. Two bottles of Tequila. One small bottle of Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker each. For 5 of us. This was the official "drinking party" which I went into where I went home without even lighting a stick! I  was so proud of myself!

On the 25th day, while the boyfriend was washing the dishes after devouring our lunch, he looked at me while I was sitting at the stool near the kitchen window where I used to smoke. He looked at me while I was sipping my Yakult. He said, "Look at that. You're sitting on that stool again, and you're not smoking. You're just drinking your Yakult. I am just so proud of you!"

He was never vocal about these things, but he said it! He said it to me. He's proud of me! I just feel even moreso that this quitting is worth all the effort. I can win this.

Day 10

Ending the week was terribly tiring and yet the happiest I must say.

Work was overwhelming, then I had to renew my passport at the embassy. It sucks when I've always wanted to travel, and yet my passport doesn't have at least six months prior to expiry. So I renewed and luckily, the embassy even gave me one year extension on my passport! And that means, I can travel again!

I met the boyfriend at the city, and I gave him my long-time promise which I guess made him so happy. We had dinner at a Japanese restaurant. The main highlight of the day I guess, was when the server asked if we opt to have a smoking or non-smoking area. I immediately said, "non-smoking please."

I was having a slow clap inside my head. I am just too proud of myself.

Day 9

While having lunch, a colleague was borrowing a lighter from me. With apologies, I said I quit smoking already. He looked at the boyfriend beside me, even shook his hand. He congratulated the boyfriend and said that he knew how stubborn I am to quit a vice as this. The colleague said, he must have done a great deal to make me quit.

In the late afternoon, I went for a quick breather because my back was already too painful from sitting in front of the computer. Smoking colleagues were chatting. The gardener saw me and asked if I've really stopped smoking. Maybe he haven't seen me for quite a while already. He laughed while he said in broken english, "It's your boyfriend ah!"

Maybe partly yes, he is.

But this is me. It was my decision. It was my own awakening to have come into this decision. And while he plays a big part of this quitting, I am doing this not for him, but for myself and the beautiful future that is ahead of me.

I guess, this kind of argument with people around me will be endless.

PS:
Coughing the whole night. Throat seems to get dry everyday.

Day 8

I went through the usual routine for the day.

I prepared food for us, which is catered to the boyfriend on diet. It's still good food but less on calories. We need food, or else I might resort again to being bored, and, yeah, go back to smoking. Which, I don't want to happen, ever.

I've felt I am gaining weight from this quitting. But I think after a week, I shall come back to the old healthy eating habit.

I've messaged 2 of my close friends yesterday about this big endeavor I am into. Support from the closest people around me really helps. I think they're happy for me, and hoping that I'm going to win this.

I'm still feeling a bit under the weather. It might be the monthly period. Or the onset of cold that never comes out. Or the quitting smoking part.

Day 7

One week! One week! One week!

That seems to be worth celebrating I guess. But on second thought, why would I be celebrating for something that I should have done long time ago? Or rather, why should I be celebrating for this quitting, when I shouldn't have started it in the first place?

It was finally back to work after a long weekend. Colleagues at work kept teasing me that I'd sure come back to smoking once the boyfriend goes to New Zealand for a 9-day holiday. I'm quite confident that his holiday will affect this quitting endeavor.

I'm still feeling sick, like an onset of a cold, and the sore throat never goes away. It might be the effect of quitting, but I'm more watchful of what I eat, and of course, loading lots of Vitamin C.

Day 6

It's non-working holiday today, and I'm still at the boyfriend's home in the city.

Woke up quite early for my early morning coffee. It was only now I realized that I always look for an open space to look out on when I have my morning coffee. After I prepared, I quickly opened the balcony doors and indulged at the sunny morning.

We had eggs and leftover sarciado for breakfast. It was a lazy day so I just re-heated lasagna and toasted some bread for lunch while we watched TV. I was feeling quite uneasy, I'm blaming it on PMSing. Whenever I feel bored previously, I always take five. But I didn't reason that out. I'm letting my brain believe that this feeling is just some monthly female hormonal issues. Thus, smoking is not an option.

We had steamboat dinner which was a treat by his brother. Since we ate so much, we took a slow walk to his home.

Tomorrow's start of the work week. It's going to be challenging, again.

Day 5

Woke up feeling a bit under the weather. I woke up with my throat dry and I was having difficulty swallowing.

The boyfriend's kind enough to take care of me, gave me medicines, and cooked breakfast for us.

We went to Chinatown for some sight-seeing and of course, eating. We had some German sausages, and we met up with his brother for some dimsum and dumplings late lunch.

At night, the brother cooked dinner of tom yum soup and sarciado which we devoured while watching a movie.

I could get used to not smoking, even not thinking about it. I'm surrounded with good people.

Day 4

Woke up to the enchanting city sunrise.

The boyfriend and I woke up very early considering it's weekend! I've always been a morning person, but I like the idea that he's also becoming a morning person. We had our morning coffee at the balcony which feels so welcoming.

We later prepared breakfast of bacon, spanish omelette and smoked fish for the three of us, together with his older brother. We baked lasagna for lunch, and we went to Geylang Serai Bazaar to see the last night of the busy stalls for the Muslim people who are practicing Ramadan.

I completely forgot about smoking. It's really good that I am surrounded with people who are non-smokers. It's easier to quit this way.

But I've been eating. The brain should learn more how to control.

Day 3

By the time I woke up in the morning, the boyfriend was already out of sight. He sneaked out for his early morning jog while I was sleeping.

I was quite pissed waking up (I never liked leaving without permissions) so there was a reason there to light up one stick. But there wasn't any in the house, so I was able to control the urge.

When he came back, I was already at the kitchen preparing food to bring to office and for his big breakfast. I prepared for him garlic fried rice, sunny side-up eggs, and chicken sausages.

The usual office tea breaks are the most challenging, most especially when colleagues offer a stick so that there'd be somebody to accompany them.

"No, thanks, I stopped smoking already."

I've kept on saying this, and sometimes, people are just so unsupportive. They tell me things like, "Good luck to you," or "You'll surely come back once you start to get stressed," or "It's just a stick. Start quitting tomorrow instead."

In the late afternoon, I reached home early, while the boyfriend has yet to come home from an afternoon client meeting. The housemate opened a can of Heineken. He offered me, telling me the boyfriend might come home a little later, we could still drink a few cans.

This is the first time I drink without having a smoke. It was quite difficult, I am not so sure if I could get used to it. I finished the can and I started packing for a long weekend at the boyfriend's home.

Today was challenging. But I am surely not giving up.

Day 2

I had a terrible night trying to sleep. I slept, but somehow, it's not the kind of sleep that I needed to carry through the day.

I am on my second day of quitting, and I am feeling a lot of unexplainable things. The boyfriend surprisingly woke up early for his first jog in the longest time. I got up early too (as usual), prepared food to bring to work. While he was out for his morning jog, I prepared his breakfast of ham and vegetable toasts with eggs omelette.

He came back home and devoured his breakfast while I cook and prepare food for later. I was having my usual coffee, sans the nicotine part. I usually sit on the stool chair beside the kitchen window while I sip my coffee and smoke. That was I guess the worst habit to break. Good thing, the boyfriend was at the dining table to accompany and chat with me while I cook and drink my coffee at the same time.

Another worst part of quitting is that, now, I am having a hard time to poop. I guess I have been too dependent on smoking that this part of the routine has gone out of schedule. It took me quite a long while inside the toilet when all my life I've never had this kind of problem.

Colleagues at work kept on smoking on tea breaks. I like pushing myself to the limit. So while I sat at the smoking area sipping my coffee, I stare at colleagues while they puff, and I kept on assessing myself if there is any form or jealousy, or even the uncontrollable longing of grabbing one cigarette and starting to light them. Surprisingly, there wasn't any (even the slightest tinge of those feelings).

I'm starting to feel proud of myself. But it's a long way to go. It's only day two.

Day 1

Last night, I lit my last stick. I told myself, I am finally done with you, smoking.

It was tough to go through the day when you have a habit that you are finally breaking. And it is day one.

I went through the usual routine of my day. I cooked food for our usual lunch. I brought a lot of food in the office to munch on. I kept drinking coffee sans the cigarette. I kept on having slight migraine attacks, which makes it so hard to concentrate on my work.

I think I've eaten so much today that I felt so bloated. But instead of thinking that smoking will be the solution to this, I tucked myself beside the boyfriend and I just enjoyed watching a funny TV program beside him.

The Story Behind Quitting

They say, take the first step and you're halfway there.
But apparently, the first step is always the toughest part.

When I met my boyfriend seven months ago, I had so much realizations about life.
When my most beloved grandmother died four months ago, I had so much realizations about death.
And both of those realizations led to this life-changing decision -- quitting smoking.

Around this time 15 years ago was the first time I tried smoking. When I was happy, I smoke. When I was ecstatic, I smoke. When I was sad, I smoke. When I was disappointed, I smoke. When I was bored, I smoke. I had so much reasons to smoke. And every time I think that one of those days in the past was the best time to quit, I always find reasons not to give up smoking.

The realization of quitting never happened in a day. It was an accumulation of little happenings of everyday. I am quitting, not mainly because I can save a lot of money, most especially I live in a city that vices don't come in cheap. Albeit, it is good, but most importantly, I've regarded my physical body as a temple of my soul -- a tangible thing that I should be very responsible of.

I am not quitting because of the pressure from people who pushes me to quit. I am quitting because I have finally realized that, I can only allow good things to enter into my being. If I should be looking forward to a good life, I should start with myself.

This quitting may not be easy. Aside from the articles I've read, I personally feel that a habit is always tough to break. Nevertheless, I am positive that I'll be able to overcome it, most especially with the support of people close to me.

This is the kind of quitting that I am very sure I shall win.